I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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