I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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