Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I touched a dick in church today
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
