Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
