Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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