cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
