I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
