i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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