Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
