Is it normal to miss your booty call?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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