I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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