Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
