the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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