she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i drank out of a bidet.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
