Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
