Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
