i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
