I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you have feelings for this penis?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
