I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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