Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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