I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
