I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
