Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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