I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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