I wish I could punch you in the face.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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