I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
