i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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