Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
