Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
