The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
