i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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