My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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