You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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