I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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