I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
