you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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