You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
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Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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