I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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