Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
