everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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