Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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