Going to get a "plan B"urrito
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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