Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
