Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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