I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This is my gift to your gina
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
