also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
