i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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