My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this beer tastes like vomit already
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
