I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize