Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
