well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
