Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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