remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
