2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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