On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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